have you ever just cried...

and you hurt so bad, you basically had no breath?
well my mom just fucking choked me, threw me against a wall, started punching me and everything else,
becuase i told her the fucking truth.
she IS a bitch.

i came down here becuase she promised my life would be better.
instead, she took my car.
the car i paid my own $7000 for,
and thats a shitload of money when your 16.
she took it, and bought herself a new car trading it in.
today we were supposed to go look at cars.
guess what... were not.

im so fucking confused.

-do i stay here, be miserable for another week, and then go back to newark already paid for, and be left without a car...any money... no job...
-do i come home tom. and have no money, no job, and no car...but be happier?

i wont have a cell phone anymore either, so dont try getting ahold of me.
and

i hate when dumb little girlscry and act like their life is over after a boyfriend breaks up with them.
this is real life darlings.
let me take your money, car, precious cell phone, and anything else you have
and just dump you on the side of the street without it.
then youll have a real reason to cry.

its a good thing ive learned to control myself over the past few months.
if i were as vulnerable as i used to be.
i wouldve been long gone by now.

i hope no one reads this.

:[

time to vent...

life sucks.
i wish i could be a person who has such a fabulous outlook on life.
where everythign is grand, and nothing seems to upset them.
what sucks is i have failed at finding any true friends in life.
im a faliure with the exception of cole.
he is quite possibly the most amazing thing that could ever happen to me.

i was talking to abbie last night, and i told her the story of how me and cole met.
it like, brought tears to my eyes.
we randomly went to the mall...janie me and cole.
it was the first time i ever met him, outside of myspace.
so we took pictures in the photo booth...and he held on to me like he didnt wanna let me go or something.
and it was perfect.
so the next night, i broke up with john and began my wonderfull life with cole.
its love at frist sight, like in the movies.
cole- i love you.

but anyways...
back to my failure story,
i hate girls..but i dont think its possible for a girl to not have any girl friends.
ill find someone that i think is going to become my bffffff but then she starts talking shit just like every other gay girl in newark.
i mean i understand, i used to do it...
but idk if its becuase im matured or something, i just find no pleasure in shit tlaking or calling poeple out...yada yada yada.
i think when i come back to newark, im going to revamp my life style.
because not only have i always been against drugs.. but im against drunks who need attention, and im COMPLETELY over shit talking.
yeah, i did it... but im going to try and erase that past.
minus cole, he has to listen to me shit talk.
i mean come on...im a girl. Its in my blood.

but just as i was thinking i found two amazing friends, they start talking shit and im inbetween.
im friends with two sweet girls, and i dont like being pulled in between.

also, north carolina is fucking gay.
minus the warmth.
and my boss at the arena.
hes fucking tiiiiiiiiiight.
okay...well ive got a life to go live, and need to stop crying like a wittle bitty babby.

PEACE.

god damn,

EXTREME!

happy now gaybobs?

but for real.
i EXTREMELY want to start singing again.
either a band or on my own.
and pick up a guitar which i havent in forever.
maybe ill record a song tomorrow.
:]

dont ever move to north carolina,
it suck...and i hate it...and i hate my parents...
and i miss cole.
to an extreammmmm you dont even know is possible.

plus no new car.

but on a lighter note.
for all of you who are reading this.
i never broke up with xanga like you all did.
i made an entry every few months.
:]